Breathe
by Esmee
Summary: The morning after . . . NOTE: Companion to 'Absence of Fear. Sorry for any sappiness, old fic.


Breathe

By, Esmee

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Note: The song is in **italics.**

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_I can feel the magic floating in the air_

_Being with you gets me that way_

_I watch the sunlight dance across your face and I've_

_Never been this swept away_

          I was hovering in the state just between sleep and wakefulness where your eyes are closed but you know that you're awake, hyper aware of all sensations around you.

          I was aware of cool, dry sheets tangled around my feet and the heavy, airy feel of a down-quilt covering me, something warm and solid_ was draped around my waist._

_          I was comfortable and loath to open my eyes. Reality was very undesirable at the moment. I heard an sleepy intake of breath not my own, and my eyes snapped open. Blinking the sleep from my eyes, I stared at the unfamiliar view from where I lay. The air was light, golden, and warm. Dust moats danced and glittered in the sunbeams._

          I pushed myself up on my elbows and turned to stare at my sleeping companion. He was lying on his side facing me; one arm tucked up under his head, the other wrapped around my waist. Warm, moist breath came from between lips that were slightly parted, fine dark lashes swept over faintly flushed cheeks, and sunny colored hair framed his face in an airy, spiky texture. 

          Memories of the previous evening came rushing back, warming and reassuring me. It is a wonderful feeling; being needed.

_All my thoughts seem to settle on the breeze_

_When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms_

_The whole world just fades away_

_The only thing I hear_

_Is the beating of your heart_

          I sat up slowly, so as not to wake him up. I think back to last night and almost laugh, I was so afraid then. Right now I find it hard to think that I'll ever be afraid again, ever have a _need to be afraid again. I slide back down again and rest my head on his chest, listening to the slow, steady rhythm of his heart. It lulls me until I am no longer sure which is his heart beating and which is mine, until I am sure that if I were to move away my heart would no longer beat. _

          I needed this man, this boy, this heart, before I even knew what it was to need another person. I can't really explain why I knew I needed him; maybe it was because I could see that he too wore a mask to hide behind. Masks can become reality if you're not careful. 

          Lying here together, there is nothing else. Him, me, I, we, all of it no longer exists. Just the sound of our breath, and of our hearts beating in tandem.  

          I could stay like this forever.

_'Cause I can feel you breathe_

_It's washing over me_

_Suddenly I'm melting into you_

_There's nothing left to prove_

_Baby all we need is just to be_

_Caught up in the touch_

_The slow and steady rush_

_Baby, isn't that the way that love's suppost to be_

_I can feel you breathe_

_Just breathe_

          Last night I was sure that he was going to tell me it was over, that we could no longer see each other.  In a desperate attempt to stop that, I told him that I loved him - nothing less than the truth - but he didn't say anything in return and I felt like weeping. I didn't, but only because I knew I had to be strong for him. Even if he didn't love me, I loved him and was willing to take whatever I could get from him, even if it was only friendship. It was in that moment, when I thought that I would lose him that I realized just how strong my feelings were for him.

          After what felt like forever and no time at all, I glanced down at my watch and saw how late it had become, I got up quickly and started to leave. Part of me wanted to leave and another part of me didn't, because I knew that if I left something would change immeasurably and I would never be able to get it back, and I think that some small part of me still hoped that he would ask me not to go.

_          "Don't go. Stay. I need you."                        _

          Six simple words, but they changed my life. Now to some people, they won't seem all that impressive, they might even go so far as to say, 'You tell the guy you love him, and all he can say is "I need you"?' but you must understand that this is _Yamato Ishida we're talking about, and for him to admit out loud - or at all - that he needs another person is amazing. I've known him for seven years, have been "seeing" him - as he likes to call it - for two three-next-month years, and in all that time I have never __once heard him say those words to anyone._

_         "Don't go. Stay. I need you."_

          That's how I ended up in his room, in his bed, lying next to him. 

          We spent another hour or two talking, he opened up to me more than ever before, and by then it was too late for me to walk home alone and he said that he was just too lazy to walk me home, so he offered for me to spend the night. He wanted to give me his bed, said that he could sleep on the couch. Huh, as if I would let him do _that. Much, much later we reached an agreement to share his bed._

          And if you're wondering why one of us just didn't sleep in Jyou's room, it's because the one and only rule in the apartment is that Jyou room is off-limits on pain of death. And since I really didn't feel like having my lungs ripped out just then, Yamato and I agreed to share his bed. 

          So here I am, dressed in a pair of his pajamas, wrapped up in his arms, listening to him breathe, and I can't remember being happier. Ever.

_In a way I know my heart is waking up_

_As all the walls come tumbling down_

_I'm closer than I've ever felt before_

_And I know _

_And you know_

_There's no need for words right now_

          He shifts slightly, and I hold perfectly still until he relaxes and his breathing deepens again. All my life I've always felt like I was useless - that really isn't the best word to describe it, 'not needed' is a little better - not really necessary, like I was only included out of pity. I know that's not true, but it still felt like that sometimes. 

          Then I met the others and for the first time I felt _needed, but still there was a tiny, dark part of me that didn't feel like I was __really needed. __Look at them, It whispered.__ Do you really think they need you__? __Why would they need you when they have Taichi so brave and humorous, Sora so loving and helpful, Takeru so innocent and caring, Koushiro so smart and charming, Jyou so patient and reliable, Hikari so sweet and cheering, and Yamato so--_

           ~Lonely. ~My heart whispered, ~Lonely and afraid.~ And it was then that I found someone else who needed someone to need them just as much as I did. Perhaps more.

          At first glance you would say that he had Takeru but when you look closer you would see that although Takeru loved him, he didn't _need him. Not the way Yamato needed. Not the way I needed him and wanted him to need me._

          I think perhaps the reason I felt so drawn to him is because I saw myself in him. We overlapped, I wanted to be needed, he wanted to need someone, and vice versa. When I think about it now, I can see that I was running away to him to escape my own fears and insecurities, and gradually he showed me that I didn't need to run away. He wasn't even aware that he was doing it, but he made me look outside myself and become a bigger person because of it.

           Of course I didn't realize I loved him until much later, I was at the time too young to truly grasp the conception of love. I had simply thought that I had found someone who could truly relate to me, and I to him. Part of that may have been because I had always thought that I would know that I was _in love because it would be fireworks, lightning, the whole shebang, but instead it came as friendly hand on my shoulder turning me around and I just knew. _

          So after we came back, I was simply there for him when he needed me to be. I was patient, and tried to be a good friend. I'm not sure what would have happened if Takeru hadn't gotten into an accident and Matt hadn't called me, but he did and that placed the crack in the wall around him that let me in. 

          A little while later, he took me to dinner. At first I thought it might be a bribe to keep me from telling anyone that I had seen the Great Yamato Ishida in tears, but I learned that he had somehow -- I'm betting it was either my Mother or Yamato's best friend Jyou who just also happens to be my best friend -- found out that I had blown-off a job interview to go to the hospital for him. I tried to tell him that anyone would have done it and that there were hundreds of jobs out there, but he wouldn't listen and that was when everybody else assumed we started "seeing" each other, though we really started "seeing" each other about six months later.

_          He was so afraid at first of showing me the person behind the mask, so in return for this I let him see the Mimi I had kept hidden so long I had almost forgotten her. The person he showed me was an unconfident young man prone to fits of self-doubt, low self confidence and self esteem, and fear. Fear of rejection, fear of letting himself care for someone because he might get hurt, fear that he wasn't strong enough, smart enough, brave enough. But, this young man was also a warm, caring, sensitive person.    _

          At first all I got were glimpse's behind the mask of the tough, cool, angry rebel, but slowly I saw the face behind the mask more and more, and the more I saw the more I liked. He would never be able to get rid of the mask totally; it was as much a part of him now as what was behind the mask, just like I would never be totally rid of mine. Wear a mask long enough and it becomes reality, but the walls are crumbling.

          I think back to last night,_ Yes, the walls are crumbling. Just as I had been falling asleep last night I thought I heard him whisper, "I love you." but it may just have been a product of wishful thinking. I sincerely hope not._

_          "Don't go. Stay. I need you."_

          _Yes, I smile into his chest.__ The walls are defiantly crumbling._

_'Cause I can feel you breathe_

_It's washing over me_

_Suddenly I'm melting into you _

_There's nothing left to prove_

_Baby all we need is just to be _

_Caught up in the touch_

_The slow and steady rush_

_Baby, isn't that the way that love's suppost to be_

_I can feel you breathe_

_Just breathe_

          I raise my head to look him again, with the sunlight warm and golden around his face, he reminds me of some ancient Greek god come down to earth. _Who would he be? I muse. __Apollo, god of the sun? Or, perhaps Cupid the god of love, and son of Aphrodite goddess of beauty, who fell in love with a mortal woman? I try to picture Yamato with large snowy wings, and giggle softly. I rest my head on his chest again, and wonder what will happen when he wakes up. Everything will be different, that's the only thing I'm certain of._

          _Did he say 'I love you' last night'? I bite my bottom lip.__ Please say it wasn't just wishful thinking!_

          _"Don't go. Stay. I need you."  _

         But even if he didn't say it, he did say he needed me and I can wait until he does say he loves me. I can wait. 

_Caught up in the touch_

_The slow and steady rush_

_Baby, isn't that the way that love's suppost to be_

_I can feel you breathe_

_Just breathe_

          I felt someone looking at me, and looked up into a pair of lapis lazuli eyes. For the first time they are completely unguarded. The pure, raw emotions I can see in them makes my breath catch in my throat.

          His gaze scorches the golden air between us blue. I don't need him to say 'I love you' anymore because I can see it in his eyes, his almost painfully beautiful eyes. There is so much love in that gaze, I feel tiny and unworthy of it, even while I rejoiced in it.

_I can feel the magic floating in the air_

_Being with you gets me that way_

          "Hello." He says softly.

          I have to remind myself to breathe. 

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Disclaimer: I do not own the character, nor am I using them for profit. All characters are copyright Akiyoshi Hongo, Toei Animation. TM, and Bandai.

The song 'Breathe' is by Faith Hill.

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Word from the author: 

Hullo again, it's me! Hate me yet? *smirk* So this is the second part of the duet I wrote, the first part being 'Absence of Fear'. As you may have already noted 'Absence of Fear' was from Matt's POV and 'Breathe' is from Mimi's POV. On a completely different subject, you may be interested to know that the stone Lapis Lazuli stands for sincerity and peace, neat huh?

 __


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